So I just landed in Guatemala and… Wait.. I got here 106 days ago?? That can’t be right! How is that possible? I think time is something I will never fully comprehend. It never seems to work for me. There’s never enough when you need it and too much when you don’t want it. Kids want to be old, people who are single into their late twenties want to be kids again… oh uh *coughs awkwardly.. that one hits a little too close to home there… Annnyway…

I have always been one to try and live life to the absolute max. Experience new things, visit new places, meet new people, and fill the schedule with all the things. I live among the ranks of those who yell the classic battle cry — YOLO!! — while literally sprinting to the next thing (often a little late because you know I was finishing the other thing before this thing and then yeah I have that next thing and… wow I need a nap). Recently, I have found myself challenged to slow down. Living life at a frenetic pace takes a toll. — LOL as if in all my 26 years of wisdom I’ve found out the ol’ secret to a good life: slowin’ down and takin’ er easy ya know? — In all seriousness though; I struggle with rest, stillness, and existing in the ordinary. I constantly want to be a part of something big. Seemingly chasing the lie that If you don’t go out and make a name for yourself then you’re wasting your life. When the mundanity of life begins to creep up and grab me from behind I have to run faster, add something else to my to-do list, buy a quick plane ticket, or run a half marathon, or… well you get the point. I realize none of these are bad things and quite frankly I enjoy all of them. I will continue to do them; however, I believe that I have heard a still small voice reaching out and telling me: relax, you don’t have to do it all! Modern culture, especially in the west, screams quite the opposite as it praises the ones with a packed schedule and a lack of sleep. We wear busyness as a badge of honor; “whew I’m running on 4 hours of sleep and Red Bull” or the cliché Christian version, “I’m running on Jesus and coffee”. Wow, cute.

As I continue to ramble on with these thoughts, I want to acknowledge that it is an area of which I relate very personally. I am attempting translate the noise in my head into coherent words. The very loud, “you’re not doing enough”, enneagram 1, perfectionist, noise. Do you hear the same one? Maybe it’s just me, but I would guess that I am not alone. The good news is, there is hope for the recovering perfectionist! Let’s keep going.

So what does the hustle of modern culture have to do with perfectionism? In my experience, unhealthy perfectionism paradoxically leads to one of two extremes: chronic busyness or chronic laziness. In the former, my identity becomes defined by my productivity, and the latter usually appears as burnout from the busyness of life or the inability to balance everything. When my productivity informs my identity, my value directly corresponds to my ability or inability to do everything I think I should. Thus, I can only earn as much value as tasks I can check off the to-do list or experiences off the bucket list. The math is very simple in my mind: one task complete = one value point added to your life. Unchecked, this “simple math” carries very dangerous results. I seem to forget that as a human, I can do nothing to earn or surrender the love of God.² Pride and entitlement hide behind every value point I add to my life. The voice that once whispered “I am not enough” begins to change its tone, assuring me that “I deserve this” or “look at all I have accomplished”. My pride would lead me to believe that I am in fact entitled to the adoration of people, or any success that I enjoy, or even that I deserve the love and grace of God, not because it is freely given, rather because I met all of these high expectations that I set for myself. Dr. Chris Thurman explains, “…perfectionism is the destructive belief that people can be equal to God. Specifically, perfectionistic people think they should be all-knowing (omniscient), all-powerful (omnipotent), and everywhere at once (omnipresent)¹”. This poorly constructed ideology crashes violently when I realize one very significant thing: I am in fact not God. This becomes so very apparent when, in my attempt to achieve all of my high ideals, I inevitably fail. I try to do too much and my ideals extend beyond my human capabilities. I fall into the worldly temptation of being a god unto myself. Believing that I have to run as fast as I can to achieve all that I can, for as long as I can, because life is short. Wrongly thinking if I take a break or miss an opportunity then my life was worthless and I will have nothing to show for it at the end. While proclaiming God’s sovereignty with my words, my actions begin to show an underlying belief that I only have this one life to live and it all depends on me. If I don’t accomplish everything I want now then I wasted it and my life is worthless. This concept has been encouraged by the church for a long time: “You only get one life, make it count”. Without proper understanding, this can be an unfortunately damaging charge. What does it mean to make it count? For a long time, I wrongly believed that I had to literally be perfect. That I had to accomplish a whole list of things with my life or else I let myself down, let my parents down, let God down. This mindset infiltrated every little and seemingly insignificant detail of my life. I had to get all A’s in school (not kidding… in high school, I was jealous of my friends that could get a bad grade on a test and move on like nothing happened. If I got below an A then I assumed the world would end, and I would amount to nothing. Ridiculous, I know.) I have to get up at 4:0oam to go on a run, I have to have a “meaningful job”, I have to do everything that is asked of me by people that I respect, I have to… fill in the blank! If I fall short of these expectations then my fragile identity falls apart and I am left with nothing but my failure. This puts too much emphasis on what I do rather than who Jesus is. Dr. Chris Thurman explains two ways to think about perfectionism…

Perfectionism Theologically: “When people think they should know everything, they beat themselves up for mistakes. When they think they should be totally powerful, they become upset when things are out of their control. When they believe that they should accomplish the work of ten people in a given day, they become depressed and discourage over what "little" they did accomplish. While God calls us to be "perfect," it is an ideal that He is asking us to move in the direction of, not something we can literally be. Only God knows it all, controls it all, and fills up the universe with His presence. Finite human beings know very little, can't control others, and can only accomplish the work of one person on a given day. God accepts that about us, and we need to as well.”
Perfectionism Psychologically: “Perfectionists are idealistic in that they frequently think about how things "should" be, not how they really are. Perfectionists set impossibly high goals which lead to discouragement, failure, and ultimately quitting (emphasis mine). They are product-minded, believing that contentment, happiness, and a sense of accomplishment are not permissible until their current project or activity has been completed. The "process" is overlooked because the end result has not been reached, thus there is no "joy in the journey." Perfectionists often feel that they have to be the best at what they do. To simply do one's best is not good enough. Perfectionists also equate their worth with their performance. They only feel worthwhile as people if they perform well. Since day-to-day performance in various areas of life fluctuates, a perfectionist's sense of worth fluctuates as well.” ¹

When my unchecked perfectionism controls my life I attempt too much or I end up in the other extreme: chronic laziness. Where busyness gives me the illusion that I am “earning my own keep”, it’s really never enough. No matter how hard I work or what I accomplish, the feeling of satisfaction and success quickly fade. Whatever pride I had from my accomplishments disappears as I see what I could have done better or where my own expectations of myself were not met. Chasing something that is actually impossible to catch is exhausting. Occasionally, that chase gives way to a hard stop. It’s in these times that I lose all hope of ever “being enough” and I decide to throw in the towel. It doesn’t feel worth it to work so hard if it isn’t going to pay dividends in the end. So I quit. Better to have not tried than to have tried and failed I think to myself. If I try and fail then everyone will know (including myself) that I wasn’t enough after all. I will know that I wasn’t capable of the task. If I don’t try then I can defend myself; “yeah I could have if I wanted”. These are the times that I pull away from everything and lose nearly all motivation. At the bottom, I do nothing because it would not live up to my liking anyway, so what’s the point. Both of these perfectionistic extremes are ultimately rooted in pride. The thought that I could ever do enough, know enough, or be powerful enough to live up to a standard of perfection is incredibly prideful. On the other hand when I choose t0 quit and instead to fill my time instead with distractions I am acting as if my life is my own and the sole purpose of it is my own satisfaction. As a Christ follower, my life is no longer my own because I was bought with a price and set free from being a slave to sin and simple animalistic pleasures.³ I reach out to meaningless entertainment in an attempt to dull the pain of not living up to my own expectations. Therein lies the problem “my own expectations” what!? This is a subtle line with huge implications. It would seem that I really think my own expectations or standards could be higher than God’s. You might be thinking alright hold up. God is perfect and you are using perfection as the standard by which to measure yourself so aren’t you just using the same level of measurement? Yes, you cannot get any better than perfect. There is no perfect+ version of perfection. The key here is that I think I know better than God when He calls me to walk in obedience to His plan. He isn’t calling me to be perfect (I cannot accomplish that) He is calling me to obedience. Yes, the goal is perfection⁴, but He knows that we are not capable of perfection apart from Him. This is why the gospel is such good news! You will always fall short of a perfect standard, but because of Jesus perfect life, death, and resurrection, we get to share in His righteousness! Put too much weight in your own works and you really begin to think your something, when in reality you’re unwittingly “wearing” the emperor’s new clothes.⁵ Fall prey to the victim mentality of low self-esteem and you will fill your days with distractions and meaningless activities accomplishing little or nothing. This struggle between two extremes is not a new concept. Let’s take a look at some examples of people who fell on either side of these perfectionist ideals.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got this”

Jonah

Running from God’s command: God told Jonah to go to Nineveh and preach against its wickedness. However, instead he fled in the opposite direction to avoid helping a people he despised. Jonah believed the people of Nineveh did not deserve the mercy and grace of God, but he seemed to have forgotten that he didn’t deserve it either (Jonah 1).
Consequence: Jonah was thrown into the sea, swallowed by a great fish, and eventually carried back to his mission (Jonah 1:17).

Rich Young Ruler

Trusting in his own understanding and possessions: The rich young ruler approached Jesus, asking what he needed to do to inherit eternal life. When Jesus told him to keep the commandments, he confidently replied that he had kept all of them since his youth. However, Jesus then challenged him to sell all he had, give to the poor, and follow Him. The young man went away sorrowful, as he valued his own ability to keep the law and his wealth too much to let it go. He showed that he trusted more in his possessions and perceived righteousness than in God’s definition of goodness. (Matthew 19:16-22, Mark 10:17-22, Luke 18:18-23)
Consequence: While we don’t officially know the end of his story, it is likely that his unwillingness to part with his wealth and submit to Jesus’ authority meant that he missed the chance to find true fulfillment and eternal life. Jesus used this encounter to teach that it is difficult for the rich, and those that trust in their own good works / abilities to enter the kingdom of God.

The Pharisees and Religious Leaders

Trusting in their own understanding and abilities: The Pharisees and religious leaders of Jesus’ day completely missed the message. They piously rejected the way of Jesus and clung to tradition and their own abilities to keep the law. Jesus rebuked them, saying, "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and pall uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.” (Matthew 23)
Consequence: Their hard-heartedness led them to reject Jesus as the Messiah, place heavy burdens on their followers, and miss the fulfillment and freedom of God’s promise.

“I’m not enough”

Moses

Lack of eloquence and self-confidence: Moses doubted his ability to speak well enough to lead Israel out of Egypt, saying, "I am slow of speech and tongue" (Exodus 4:10). He also expressed reluctance, asking God to send someone else instead (Exodus 4:13).
God’s response: God reassured Moses that He created human mouths and would help him speak. He said, "Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say" (Exodus 4:11-12). When Moses continued to hesitate, God appointed Aaron, Moses’ brother, to be his spokesperson (Exodus 4:14-16).

Gideon

Feelings of inadequacy and weak family heritage: Gideon doubted his ability to save Israel, saying, "My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family" (Judges 6:15).
God’s response: God promised His presence, saying, "I will be with you, and you will strike down all the Midianites" (Judges 6:16). Additionally, God accommodated Gideon’s requests for signs, providing him with a wet fleece while the ground remained dry, and vice versa (Judges 6:36-40).

Jeremiah

Youth and inexperience: Jeremiah felt too young and unprepared to be a prophet, saying, "I do not know how to speak; I am too young" (Jeremiah 1:6).
God’s response: God assured Jeremiah that He would be with him, saying, "Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you." God also promised to protect him, saying, "Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you" (Jeremiah 1).

Elijah

Discouragement, depression, and feelings of failure: After defeating the prophets of Baal and receiving death threats from Jezebel, Elijah felt exhausted and asked God to take his life, saying, "I have had enough, Lord… Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors" (1 Kings 19:4).
God’s response: God responded by providing for Elijah’s physical needs, giving him food and allowing him rest. Then, God spoke to him in a gentle whisper, renewing his purpose and sending him on a new mission (1 Kings 19).

Either side of the equation here and we miss the mark. What hope is there for the perfectionist? Doesn’t this just bring depression and low self-esteem? To think that you could never be good enough or to think that you are never able to have any sense of pride for your hard work. Yes, if we stop there, but praise God there’s more. This is why the gospel is good news! I am sinful, weak, incapable of fixing myself let alone the world around me. Any sense of pride I have in my own abilities or achievements are largely unfounded. Successes, abilities, achievements, and the like are possible only because of the incredible grace, mercy, and love of a perfect God. While perfection is the goal, praise God I don’t have to get myself there (because I couldn’t. No one could), I get to share in the righteousness of Christ.⁶ I like how Tozer describes the life of a meek man, a man that has discovered his identity through the eyes of Christ alone.

“The meek man is not a human mouse afflicted with a sense of his own inferiority. Rather he may be in his moral life as bold as a lion and as strong as Samson; but he has stopped being fooled about himself. He has accepted God's estimate of his own life. He knows he is as weak and helpless as God has declared him to be, but paradoxically, he knows at the same time that he is in the sight of God of more importance than angels. In himself, nothing; in God, everything. That is his motto. He knows well that the world will never see him as God sees him and he has stopped caring. He rests perfectly content to allow God to place His own values. He will be patient to wait for the day when everything will get its own price tag and real worth will come into its own. Then the righteous shall shine forth in the Kingdom of their Father. He is willing to wait for that day. In the meantime he will have attained a place of soul rest. As he walks on in meekness he will be happy to let God defend him. The old struggle to defend himself is over. He has found the peace which meekness brings.”
― A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God

When I feel that I am on top of the world, praise God for his blessings.⁷ When I feel like I feel like the world is on my shoulders, praise God that He offers rest!⁸ I don’t have to live up to the standards of myself or the world. I am called to submit to God’s direction for my life. His calling on my life is perfect and He equips the called in His timing. We have to be still enough to listen and obey. The way to accomplish much in this life is to make much of Christ and little of yourself. May I not get to the end of my life saying look at all that I have accomplished, rather I hope that it is said look at how He loved Jesus, what was his name again?

Hang in there & Vive sin miedo

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Next time… 3b | Perfe*t — Imputed Righteousness